last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
