just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
