New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize