Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
