No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
