apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
