he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
