Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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