a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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