What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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