dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize