i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
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