Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
