Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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