my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize