tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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