You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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