what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
