I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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