Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
