i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
