Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
