Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize