I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
