My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
