Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
