I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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