I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
