There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
