I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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