Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Semen is not good for contacts.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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