I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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