he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
