I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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