Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
