Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
