I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
