She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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