My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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