You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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