I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
it's not cheating when I paid for it
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
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