I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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