Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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