I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I will be naked everywhere
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
