He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
