I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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