no, he came in my armpit
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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