I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
