When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
