My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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