I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Randomize
