I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
