I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
