If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
