he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
