I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize