Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
time to smoke my breakfast
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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