we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
